just jokes

Discussion in 'Joke of the day' started by cwhyu2, May 12, 2011.

  1. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    What did the spider email to the fly?

    Visit my web site!
  2. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

    With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

    I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

    I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

    What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

    I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

    When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

    I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

    I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

    Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

    I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

    One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

    I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

    When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

    I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

    My mother had morning sickness. After I was born.

    My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    My father had his own way of showing love. He always carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

    Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

    I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”

    I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

    One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

    My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

    If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

    I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

    I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!

    I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

    One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

    I went to see my doctor…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

    My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

    I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

    When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
  3. Cookie

    Cookie .

    A girlfriend just sent this LoL... (she used to teach Biology)


    If you have gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing.

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
    "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
    "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay."
    Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
    giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
    I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
    (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
    "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
    He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    " So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence.
    Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle.
    And then even laugh loudly.

    Tears were now running down her face.
    "It's just ...that ..I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. its.. teeny little . . "
    She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly
    bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.
    He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!!!!
  4. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    Thanks Cookie you made my day!
  5. LLigetfa

    LLigetfa DIYer, not in the trades

    NW Ontario, Canada
    Ja, that's what I kept thinking as I was reading it.
  6. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Clay, my girlfriends sends me these jokes, I can't imagine why.

    Jane and Angie are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cut off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Angie: What the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet. Angie: Where did you get it?

    Jane: You can get them at any *********.

    The next day, Angie hobbles herself into the local ********* and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    “Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

    The pharmacist fainted.
    Last edited: May 13, 2011
  7. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    Had a conflict with my back porch stairs.

    The stairs won!
  8. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Now, no one here take this personally, lol. it is just one of my favorites!

    Brain Transplant

    In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

    "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

    "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

    It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."

    The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

    The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."

    The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

    A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"

    The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,�

    "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."
  9. LLigetfa

    LLigetfa DIYer, not in the trades

    NW Ontario, Canada
    Men At Work
    When men work, they make a big deal of it. They plan it weeks, sometimes months in advance. They make Gantt charts.

    When the time finally comes to do the work, they make signs and display them prominently.

    Women work all the time. They don't need signs.
  10. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Words fail me...
  11. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    Yep just tossed my cookies LOL:D
  12. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    Living Will

    A man and his were sitting in the living room discussing a

    " Living Will "

    " Just so you know,I never want to live in a vegetative state,
    dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
    If that ever happens just pull the plug.

    His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
  13. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Loved that above joke! Very funny, lol...

    I girlfriend sent me this, she is warped in the head. But, very funny.

    While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

    The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.
    "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
    I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
    With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
    I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
    Complete darkness, the power was off!
    Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
    "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
    Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
    Before I could shout NOOOO! she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
    After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
    Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
    "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
    Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
    Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
    And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
    The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case
  14. Cookie

    Cookie .

  15. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    Confusius say, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot"
  16. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    The best answer to the question asked at an interview," Where do you see yourself in 5 years" ... " In the mirror as always"
  17. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Cincinnati OH
    what`s the difference between a new husband and a new dog/

    After a year the dog will still be happy to see you!
  18. hj

    hj Moderator & Master Plumber Staff Member

    Cave Creek, Arizona
    It is much nicer to hear it set to music, than when it is read.
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