Woman vs Man

Discussion in 'Joke of the day' started by cwhyu2, May 11, 2011.

  1. cwhyu2

    cwhyu2 Consultant

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2007
    Occupation:
    Consultant
    Location:
    Cincinnati OH
    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!
     
  2. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2005
    Location:
    .
    Q: Why do all men like smart women?
    A: Opposites attract.

    Men are proof of reincarnation.
    You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
     
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  4. Terry

    Terry Administrator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2004
    Occupation:
    Plumber
    Location:
    Bothell, Washington
    "You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime."

    Hey! I represent that remark.

    Besides, we feel we can get anything right if you let us try enough times.
     
    MASTERPLUMB777 likes this.
  5. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2005
    Location:
    .
    I didn't make the joke! :)
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Administrator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2004
    Occupation:
    Plumber
    Location:
    Bothell, Washington
    But the funny thing is, sometimes you live a life "as" a woman, and yet you still come back not knowing anything as a man. It doesn't seem fair.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

    It's gone full circle now.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2011
  7. DonL

    DonL Jack of all trades Master of one

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2011
    Occupation:
    Rocket Scientist
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    lol, That is the truth Terry.

    It is beat up on the boys week... But they Love us.

    Have a Great Day.

    DonL
     
  8. Cookie

    Cookie .

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2005
    Location:
    .
    That's the problem! boys will be boys! Boys are great, men are better! :)
     
  9. LLigetfa

    LLigetfa DIYer, not in the trades

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2011
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    NW Ontario, Canada
    A man cannot use logic in an argument with a woman when it was his logic that got him in trouble in the first place.
     
  10. DoorGuy500

    DoorGuy500 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2017
    Location:
    Dallas
    A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where a politician was trying to gather
    more support for his reelection. Once he discovers the cowboy is from Texas,
    he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

    As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

    The politician stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never
    heard of circle flies."

    "Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because
    they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    "Oh," the politician replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and
    bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

    "No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country
    to call a politician a horse's ass."

    "That's a good thing," the politician responds and begins rambling on once more.

    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
     
    Terry likes this.
  11. Scott D (CA)

    Scott D (CA) New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2006
    Location:
    California
    A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

    While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
    to pose a question to all assembled.

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
    failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

    He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
    and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

    A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

    A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
    state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who
    was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it
    has to be 100% pleasure.

    The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
    it for them."
     
    DonL likes this.
  12. DoorGuy500

    DoorGuy500 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2017
    Location:
    Dallas
    HOW TO START A FIGHT:


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ______________________________ __


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

    'No,' she answered.. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ______________________________ __


    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    ______________________________ _


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________ __


    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...

    Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________


    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________ __


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    ______________________________ _


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

    ______________________________


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________ __


    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    ______________________________ __


    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.
     
  13. dj2

    dj2 In the Trades

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2013
    Location:
    California
    DoorGuy500,
    Very good indeed. How do you top that?
    Welcome to the forum.
     
  14. DoorGuy500

    DoorGuy500 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2017
    Location:
    Dallas
    Women's Ass Size Study

    There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
    The results of this study are pretty interesting:
    a. 85% of women think their ass is too big...
    b.. 10% of women think their ass is too little...
    c.. The other 5% say that they don't care,
    they love him, he's a good man,
    and they would have married him anyway.​
     
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