Don't know what to do...
Posted by Jaime on June 01, 2002 at 04:10:30:
Hello. My name is Jaime, & I'm a 21 yr. old female, & I got a major problem that I need help with.
About a year & a half ago, I met this guy, Bryan, who's 24. Well, in the beginning, he really liked me, I mean, really liked me. I was really obstinate towards him, but then I began to realize that he was san awesome guy. When I had finally told him that I liked him, from what I thought would have been a postive response, he clammed up, & began to push me away. Well, I found out that he had been in this relationship with this girl for 3 yrs., who did a lot of horrible things to him; very abusive, broke his nose a few times, beat him all the time, then had her sister hit her, call the cops on him, he'd go to jail for things he never even did, which cost his parents & stuff a lot of financial problems getting him out of the bind; she cheated on him, had a kid, told him it was his for 8 mths., then to find out it wasn't his, cheated on him numerous times, insulted him, you name it. He has very low self-esteem, he attempted suicide when he was 17, has anxiety real badly, & has an alcohol problem. But overall, he is an amazing indiviudual. Well, Bryan would always make it clear to me that he didn't want a relationship, & even though he loved hanging out with me, around my friends, he would insult me, & he would really hurt me sometimes. I ended up telling him that I loved him awhile back, & he acted like it was the craziest thing he ever heard, & insisted on why I loved him, & didn't believe anyone could. He always ran to me when he had problems, I was always there; more than anyone. I showed him that I cared; even though he repeatidly kept going back to Jean, I was always there for a shoulder to cry on.Now, after awhile, we began to get even more closer; & he had never told me in any way that he cared about me, drunk, or sober, till these two other times, when he had been drinking, he had told me how he felt, even telling me he loved me. He always got really jealous of me flirting with other guys, & insisted on us just being friends. He always wanted to hang out with me, & we were always together, & he shared all of his problems with me, & we were still sleeping with each other on top of it. But, there were times, it seemed, that he almost got off on hurting me; I don't know why. He has a great deal of problems related to the way in which Jean has treated him; she has total control of him, & he loves her daughter to death. He refuses to commit to me, & sometimes, when he's been away from Jean for awhile, he'll start to, then she'll call him, & it goes back to the beginning. He has hurt me a lot, & I have been there for him through everything, & I'm just so confused. He recently got back together with Jean, & she found out that we were freinds, & prohibits him from hanging out with me, & he's so scared of her, he does so. He's treated me really badly this last time, & I'm so hurt, I don't know what to do... He gets upset a lot; feeling unloved, & miserable. I've been there for him through everything, but he keeps going back to her, no matter how much she hurts him, & refuses to be with me, & even though when we are together, we're more of a couple than anyone could ever be, he just doesn't want to say the words that we're together. He insists that we're just 'friends', but that isn't so. Sometimes, he acts as though he cares so much, then he pushes me away; starts the cutdowns, that he claims are just jokes. I don't want to think that the whole time I was with him, he didn't care anything for me, but I don't know. There were times, he acted as though he cared so much, but other times, he would put me down, but tell me he was kidding, even though it would hurt me. I don't know if I should take it personally, the reason he doesn't want to be with me, or the fact that he has something wrong with him, & can't let him go. I'm through with him hurting me, I really am, I just want to know what is going on with him; how he could go from liking me so much in the beginning, to pushing me away in the end just cause I showed him I care. You'd think he'd like someone who showed they cared, in comparison to the way Jean treats him. I don't know whether to take his behavior personally; if it's just me, or what. I don't know. He throws out mixed signals... I am a real mess because of this situation, I can't seem to get over him no matter how hard I try. It's ruining my life. What am I to do, & does he care about me? Or am I just being used? What exactly is going on here? Should I take it personally? Why would he treat me this way, after the way I've treated him? Why does he keep doing this to me, & why won't be commit to me? Is it because he doesn't think I'm good enough? Why does he get off on insulting me, & hurting me? I'm a real mess, & I would really like some imput, so if you can email me your thoughts, I'd really appriciate it. I know that being with him is not good for me, but I cannot seem to get this through my head. It has really put a burden on my life, where it's all I think about, it's all I want. I get physically sick, & I cry a lot. I start counseling next week. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on with him, don't know whether he cares about me, don't know why he won't commit to me... I'm hurting so badly inside, it's killing me. He has hurt my self worth, my self esteem has gone down, & made me feel bad about myself all for the sake of showing him love, & making him feel good about himself, but somehow, I can't let go. It's as if I'm addicted to him, & I want to be with him so badly, but yet, my mind's telling me I don't.


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